mother-in-law

   This term is rarely used, perhaps because of its unwieldy length. Mothersin-law are accorded different terms of address according to individual family circumstances and wishes. A considerable age difference may make the use of a first name slightly embarrassing for the daughter or son-inlaw. There is often a reluctance on the part of the latter to use one of the ‘mother’ terms. ‘Mrs’ + last name may sound too formal; ‘Mrs’ + initial of last name may sound rather common. Many speakers would try to side-step the problem of what to call a mother-in-law by avoiding terms of address altogether and using ‘you’. Others wait until a grandchild is born and then use grandmother terms. New Society carried out a small survey in 1970 asking middle-class families how they addressed a mother-in-law. Ninety husbands and wives were interviewed. Of these, 47 wives used a ‘mother’ term, though only 21 husbands did so. More husbands than wives used first names to their motherin-law. The solution for 12 wives and 15 husbands was to use some kind of nickname. The general conclusion of the survey was that women were more willing than men to slip into another child/parent relationship. The men preferred to aim at friendship, not kinship.

   In The Pickwick Papers, by Charles Dickens, occurs: ‘“Mother-in-law,” said Sam, politely saluting the lady, “wery much obliged to you for this here wisit.”’ The lady in question is actually Sam Weller’s step-mother, but ‘mother-in-law’ was used to describe such a person until the end of the nineteenth century. Sam also uses ‘mum’ to this lady, but it is his form of ‘ma’am’, not ‘Mum’ used to a mother. If it is sometimes difficult to know how to address a mother-in-law in modern times, it can also be difficult for that lady to know how to address her son or daughter-in-law. In Hard Times, by Charles Dickens, Mrs Gradgrind is worried when she learns that her daughter is to marry Josiah Bounderby. I shall be worrying myself morning, noon and night, to know what I am to call him. I must call him something. It’s impossible to be constantly addressing him, and never giving him a name. I cannot call him Josiah, for the name is insupportable to me. You yourself wouldn’t hear of Joe, you very well know. Am I to call my own son-in-law Mister? Not, I believe, unless the time has arrived when, as an invalid, I am to be trampled upon by my relations. Then what am I to call him? In Colour Blind, by Catherine Cookson, we are told that ‘Kathie couldn’t bring herself to call her sonin-law James. To his face she addressed him as “Mr Paterson” and time and again she wondered at the ordinariness of such a name for such an extraordinary man.’ In this case the son-in-law is extraordinary because he is black and has married into a white family.